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A 'Fair' Exchange
12.24.2005
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I have this little tradition with my younger cousins during Christmas. It's an exchange of gifts, and this year our gifts are worth P30. My cousins are like eight to twelve years old, so they couldn't afford anything higher that fifty bucks.
I did my shopping earlier today. After I met with Eric at the gym, I went around Glorietta, looking for something worth thirty bucks. I almost bought two Pokemon rubber figurines, but I had trouble finding the popular ones, so I aborted the idea after like ten minutes of searching inside the glass drawers of The Gift Factory.
I was tempted to search at the Book Sale, but then I remember Julius (my Monito) yammering about how he cannot understand the book I lent him, which was weird because it lent him Tom Sawyer. I also went around the idea of buying him two spools of crochet thread, for he's very much fond of making friendship bracelets and I wanted to give him threads with nicer colors.
I went around different malls for like two hours. Then I started to feel that familiar feeling of almost fainting. So I just settled on a frosted Sylvester glass and went home.
The glass costed me around 80 bucks. Not bad. I figured I could spend a bit more since I'm earning a bit, and it's Christmas - I don't have an excuse to be selfish.
So guess what I got?
A Santa hat. And it has blinking star shaped lights on it.
Just great.
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Those Tiny Little Pains
12.19.2005
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Oh God, I've never been this sick. It's like a week before Christmas, and I am confined to bed taking meds with killing side effects.
Okay, I'm going to say things that are Rated-R, so if you're still all Disney-minded, don't read the following texts.
So, why am I sick? I've been up very late for the past week trying to beat my project deadline for those German client of ours. Not to metion that I am trying to fit in dating again into my lifestyle.
I went a little overboard. Having not much sleep, I still went out with Eric. I fell asleep halfway through King Kong (why does it have to be so damn long?), and then we went to gym afterwards. I kind of cheated on my freeweight program that day (less reps, less weight) but Eric invited me to take the Body Balance class.
So Body Balance. Sounds a bit soft, right? So I agreed. I was told that it would be just like Yoga. Well, for a while it was just like Yoga, but the weird headstand thing probably did it for me. I overexerted.
That explains the random body parts aching. The throat part however, is a little bit tricky.
The other day we went to Eric's condominium unit, walking distance from RST. And then we had sex. No, actually, I tried blowing him, but then he just jerked off and came all over his stomach.
The problem was unusual. Eric was huge. The moment I pulled his boxers down, the first thing that came to mind was "Am I in a porn video shoot?" It was thick and very long. A size queen dream.
So you're probably thinking 'lucky'. Well, yeah. A day after, my throat swelled, and I couldn't sleep very well because air couldn't pass through properly.
Actually this bothers me. I like Eric a lot. He's this tall, muscled guy who has brains and culture as well. And very sweet, caring, generous. So, aside from the he-dated-my-bestfriend-first thing that was bugging me, i was afraid that he might change his mind about things if we don't perform properly. I know he said he wouldn't mind, but what if?
I'm probably over-obsessing. Oh God. It's two am. Gotta take my meds.
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Sad Eyes
12.15.2005
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I am swimming on deadly waters yet again.
That's not literally, obviously. I can't swim actually. I've been very straightforward with how I feel towards Athen's fling Eric. Though he's much older, I am very much attracted to him.
So now, a week after their 'relationship' died down, Eric decided to take his chance on me. This part I didn't exactly anticipated. I hoped for it, but I never thought it would happen in real life.
Let's fast forward. We kissed inside Chicken Little (which by the way was a total waste of money). And then planned on meeting again. A while ago, I was at his condo unit. And we finally did it.
His arms were around me, and I was looking at his eyes. He was babbling about his failed relationship with Athen, and I could not miss that sad expression on his eyes. He really loved Athen.
So that puts me in a risky situation. It was like Rabbi's all over again.
I am falling in love with a man whose heart has been recently broken by my best friend.
So shoot me now or something.
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Fear of Mondays
12.01.2005
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It has been a while since my last depression attack. Weeks before, it kicks in randomly, but usually when I'm alone. But now it evolved into having the need for a stimulus to trigger it, which in today's case, my presence near SM Megamall's moviehouse.
This was a bit bad, I was with Athen and Eric, which I am really growing very fond of. They were inviting me to watch The Exorcism of Emily Rose, but I declined. I knew I just had to get out of there. It was probably the possibility of seeing Mico with another guy inside the theater. Or the fairytale romance that was happening right before my very eyes.
And so I found myself walking alone along the streets of Ortigas, admiring the bright lights hanging from trees and street posts. These, ironically, are reminders of an upcoming festive holiday, ideally not a good time to fly solo. I know I already said I'll try to stop thinking, obsessing about what really happened between Mico and I. But it turns out that it's not that easy to get it out of your system. You'll eventually have to keep asking yourself the questions, even if you know you don't actually have the answers. What is it that I don't have? Or what did I do wrong? Why did it not work out? It's not like I didn't try hard enough, because for all I know, I've given everything just to make it work. Somehow it just wasn't enough for him, I guess.
The other night, I was watching Serendipity. Even though John Cusack already had that model girl for his fiancee, he still went after Kate Beckinsale, because apparently she is the first Godfather movie. Ideally, I am Kate Beckinsale. Well, not exactly her. I mean, I should be the first Godfather movie. I should be the person to be sought after, and not the one guys leave for a better one.
But come to think of it. What if I am really just that? I mean, this is the fourth time. What if the way people see me isn't exactly the way I see myself? What if people's impression of me is just someone who can do for now. Someone temporary, until a better one comes along.
It's a very, very sad thought. I've never been a fan of Mondays, when everything gets back to the way it was. When suddenly, the magic of the past weekend is just a distant memory. Suddenly, you wake up with the painful reality that it's basically just you again against the world.
I am frozen right now.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Okay. That's it! I just read my last five posts, and sickeningly they were all about Mico. I'm going to stop writing about Mico. He's not worth all the mental energy.
Well, except if he decides to go back to me. Yeah. For I'll be full of words describing his face while I tell him to fuck off.
That's a nice little scenario.
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