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RIP
7.31.2006
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My trusted, beloved, can't-live-without-it PC broke today. Something about the power supply.
Is this what I get for throwing tantrums today at lunch?
This sucks.
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Introductions
7.30.2006
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Say hello to Jonathan.
- Neutrogena skin and Close-up teeth. F-ing unbelievable.
- Genetic triceps. So unfair.
- A major plus: holds hands in public.
- Sleeps like a baby, snores like a drunk sailor
- Very unfair in bed. I won't get into details.
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New Pages
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New rules.
Will not write ever about that past relationship, if you can call it that.
Had a long talk with Iris. About Eric, Jujiin, Jonathan and Peewee's sudden disappearance. Realized I badly needed someone to talk to. Cup of coffee. Strangers' conversations that need to be muffled. Bad weather. Let's.
Still crossing my fingers on my job application. Uploaded a less-than-impressive portfolio (which URL I will not share) and an updated version of Fly (which needs a LOT more updating). Also seriously considering revising the JunkyardHearts at Blogspot.
More of my friends are leaving the country. More frowns for me. Sang, please take me with you.
I feel much better now.
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Tomorrow
7.28.2006
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Why is it hard to forget you?
I'm seriously considering lobotomy. Smashing my head against a wall doesn't seem to work anymore.
And what hurts the most?
I think you know.
This has got to stop.
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Asylum
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Why is it hard to forget you?
I'm seriously considering lobotomy. Smashing my head against a wall doesn't seem to work anymore.
And what hurts the most?
I think you know.
This has got to stop.
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Maybe For A Walk
7.26.2006
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I'm watching the rain from my window. I can't keep my eyes off it for it speaks of your name.
I'm lying on another bed and it's not the same. This unfamiliar ceiling returns a blank, cold stare. In my sleep, you're still sleeping beside me. And when I wake up, the folds and creases of this bedsheet is an exact match of your body.
I'm probably delusional. I miss you so badly.
But these words will be kept unread, and these emotions will remain untouched. I'm sitting on this empty station waiting for a train that will never come again.
And I'm sounding like a Dashboard Confessional song.
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You Can Stop Crying Now
7.22.2006
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I don't deserve someone like you.
I dropped you the moment I decided to date Jujiin. For two months you were miserable, sulking, trying to forget me.
I'm sorry.
You should be hating me. You should be dancing around, with your tongue sticking out and singing nye-nye-nye-nye-nye. Instead you came to my rescue and flew me to a safer place. You carried me in your arms as if you weren't bleeding from my own lashing.
You seem so tired but you're still smiling at me.
Give it a little time and we will start what we should've started months ago.
I'm so glad I am finally here.
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Alanis Says Hi Then Gives The Finger
7.17.2006
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Last night, in a futile attempt to get rid of anything you-know-who (some feng shui I read somewhere, Bridget Jones I think, that keeping things like that around will hold you back thus will prevent you from moving on) Alanis spoke to me. She said "Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything is okay and everything's going right."
She's right. And I can't believe an Alanis song was making sense to me right now.
I should've known something like that would come my way eventually. I should've anticipated the twist as if I am living inside a Stephen King novel. But I'm just 22, it's expected of me to be that naive. Young people are supposed to have a sunny disposition in life, with the exception of Daria, and Paris Gellar. Hell, I was dreaming of a Twix bar last night, and when I woke up this morning I was drooling. I am that young.
People always tell you not to let your guard down. The thing is, I don't even have a guard, or whatever that actually refers to. I am that susceptible. My train of thought ends with "I really like this person." I've dated guys double my age, guys double my height. I've dated a guy whose mouth is an exact replica of Steven Tyler's.
I just never learn.
And just like Paris Hilton, I'm screwed.
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Here Comes The Sun
7.15.2006
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This is my goodbye to the hamster-toothed Japanese boy.
I know we weren't on the same page. I was way ahead of you, but I was willing to wait. I was crossing my fingers that one day your stars would align with mine, our hearts would beat in time and everything would fall into place. It would've been a great sky for a kite and a balloon.
I'm not mad. I'm just confused. But I won't ask for details, explanations, or anything the weakest of the heart would not comprehend.
I would hate to see our worlds stopping to co-exist. I'd be carrying a heavy heart as I start to avoid every footprint you left on the streets we already labeled ours. My eyes would cease to see the beauty in what yours saw in everyday things. The night would change its colors to its loneliest black.
And if another storm would come by, it wouldn't be like ours. It would rain so hard that we would lose that nameless place of our little beginnings. Drenched in cold water, my fingers would be in contact with the white keys of an unplayed piano, and I would start to play the saddest notes of this love story.
This is my last page of you. In a moment, this balloon will start to fall and find its ground. And from there, your kite won't be in sight anymore.
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I Think It's Going To Rain Today
7.14.2006
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I guess I had it coming.
I love deleting stuff. Press, and it's gone.
I love walking on a rainy day. Even if I don't get what I want.
I love the fact that even for the sixth time, it still feels like the first one.
I'll savor the feeling of bitterness. It will make me forget.
I can never write like this again.
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Under The Weather
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Tonight I was longing for you. The spaces between my fingers feel empty when they're not filled with yours. Your silence is deafening.
Your presence would've cured me.
I'll close my windows and draw the curtains down. I'll turn off the lights and try to put this misery to bed. In this dark, cold night I might find some light. Eventually my silent cries will sing me to sleep.
It looks like tomorrow I'll be watching the forty-four sunsets all by myself.
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The Last Of You
7.13.2006
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It says 7:03 on my clock.
I've always wanted to talk to you, not because I miss you, it's just that I've been wanting to ask you about things. But I realize now that I can't because we're not talking anymore.
Something must be wrong with me. And you can probably pinpoint that out since you've been at my side for five whole months.
It's just so unfair that you left without saying anything. Does that reflect how crappy you thought of me?
I feel like someone's out there laughing at my expense.
I might start something great with someone, and I don't want it to end up exactly like what happened to us. I feel like if I fix a bit of me, then I can make this work.
I'm saying this because I've always comforted myself with sharing things like these with you. And if I don't get that same feeling, then that means I am ready.
It's still raining outside. But it's not as cold as it was yesterday.
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Four Heartbreaks
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So cute. And soo for sale.
*frown*
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Mindless Doodling
7.07.2006
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Here's the new look for Fly. Still fixing minor details (like text alignment) and might put back the profile section if I can.
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Old Pages
7.06.2006
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I was rummaging through old CDS when I encountered old back-ups of my websites from the past years.
And among the files were my old journal entries, which I would admit are cringe-worthy at times. But there were some that struck me. This is my favorite.
One Thousand Raindrops
I am not alone.
Physically, yes, I am not. The presence of Tonsy patiently sitting beside me as we wait for the rain to subside is more than a confirmation.
I am not alone. But frankly, I feel like I am.
I am beyond speechless as I watch a thousand raindrops break into the concrete grounds. I feel so outnumbered. I am here and yet I feel so foreign.
Why am I lonely? Why do I feel alone?
I feel alone because there is something lacking. There is something empty. Desperately needing to be filled.
From Bourdillon's pen came these fine words:
The mind has a thousand eyes
And the heart but one
And yet the light of a whole life dies
When love is gone.
That light has been dead for over two years now. A flickering hope would spark the flame from time to time, but it never grew as bright as it was.
I sneak a glance at the man beside me as he checks the time and sighs. For a brief moment a few years ago this man has kept my flame burning. And for the past two hours that we were inside the moviehouse I had been pressing intently on the armrest between us, wanting, waiting for something to happen.
I ask myself a question.
Was it flesh calling for action?
Or a heart longing for warmth?
Could it possibly be both?
None of it would have mattered. I resort to desperate measures. And anything temporary only lasts for a short term. A slight touch, a quick squeeze would not cure me of my loneliness. It would not drive away the emptiness. It would still rain on me.
I am still lonely. And raindrops are always there to remind me that, whether it be a slight drizzle or a thousand heavy drops.
Gray clouds are still hovering above me. It might take time before the sky clears up.
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A Plane, A Sky, Your Hand In Mine
7.05.2006
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Jujiin's back from a four-day Bench-related hiatus.
Went to see Superman last Saturday at Waltermart. We were seated at the second row, so close that I could almost see right through Superman's red undies. Noisy kids were all over the moviehouse. Jujiin was so annoyed, screaming things like "Shut Up" and "This is not your house" at them. Classic. Loved it like a one dollar whore.
He held my hand the entire time, which he last did during the Da Vinci Code.
The next day he worked his butt off in the kitchen. Sinigang! Spicy, but heartfelt.
Went around the grocery for an hour. Initially intended to buy something (ice cream actually) but lines were blockbuster kind of long we ditched our items and headed to Watsons. Grocery moments: sharing food cravings, butt pinching, mocking old milk ad jingles, smelling things, picking up LSS.
Canned ham for dinner, then watched Project Runway. Went to bed around twelve. Jujiin kept on turning, stomping and squirming. Got up around three with a massive headache and proceeded to read Wind-up Bird Chronicle in the kitchen. I always fall asleep when I read, no offense to Murakami.
Headache got worse around five. Wearing boxers, a thin shirt and jacket, I went to 7-11 for pain relievers. Makati was so quiet.
Watched TV all day. Noontime variety show, Will and Grace, Friends, Letterman. Fell asleep. Then News, game show, Project Runway.
Went home to an empty unmade bed, sitting beside it is a basket full of fresh laundry.
No, this isn't home. Not anymore.
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Clark, Lois And Richard
7.04.2006
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I retired on my bed and let out a loud sigh.
Questions are haunting my head. But I'm keeping silent.
I'm scrubbing the marks and stains but they won't come off.
I'm so tired I'm not sure how long I'm gonna last.
Are we watching the same sky?
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StrengthsWeaknessesFearsContact
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