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Shopping Carts And Chickenjoys
8.28.2004
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Seems like it's the trend nowadays for my married cousins to hold their children's birthday parties at McDonald's or Jollibee. Probably a better choice for them, rather than cook everything at home and then have everyone raid their house [which makes all breakables susceptible to breaking] and then still have the burden of cleaning up afterwards.
But no matter how fun and convenient it is for them to hold such an impersonal birthday bash, for people like me who a) isn't married b) still under 21 and c) extremely cool, these generic parties rank very, very low in the Toby Fun-O-Rama Meter. Let me give you a rundown why.
1. It's a kiddie party. It's basically for kids. I know sometimes I act like a child but that doesn't mean I have a burning desire to stare amazingly at Ronald McDonald as if he's a giant, dancing eggplant.
2. Dinosaurs. Cowboys. Under the sea. What's with the mundane themeing? Those themes have been there since the beginning of time. All things are rapidly changing, even the word google is now a verb. It wouldn't probably kill if they invent a new theme.
3. Games. How is it possible that they play the same parlor games no matter what branch or food chain you choose? Toothpick and ring / spoon and citrus fruit relay, Bring Me, Longest Happy-Birthdaaaay. How about teaching the kids patriotism and let them play Hit the Pinata shaped like Joseph Estrada's head? And home come in Bring Me, kids are always asked to bring invitations, the longest belt, a sock, and a dancing parent?
4. This is what I hate the most. There's always a game not for kids. Oh yes. Totally beats the idea of a kiddie party: having a game for the I'm-Not-A-Kid, Not-A-Parent crowd. And the reason why I hate it is because I'm always in it. The last time, they made us arrange ourselves according to the category they would announce, like 'arrange yourselves according to IQ'. Well, I did win a flashlight one time. A totally useless flashlight - it doesn't light much.
Anyway, a couple of days before we received the kiddie birthday invitation from one of my cousins. Great. I didn't have an excuse not to go, so I went with the rest of the family.
(Hold your breath - there's more to come)
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Until The Fat Lady Sings
8.21.2004
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Tonight, I get to review a really suck-o American Idol rip-off. Welcome to Star In A Million: The Grand Showdown. It, of course, starts with some clips of the contestants and their family, with voice overs of how they wanted to be a star, yadda yadda. Typical.
The opening number was respectable, with Ryan Cayabyab on the piano. I mean, with Ryan Cayabyab on board, what could go wrong? Oh wait, yes. OJ's wearing a funny sash. A funny sash is like a misspelled tattoo: it's something to regret for the rest of his life.
The funny, funny sash was not the end of it. OJ 'The Versatile Crooner' is performing first. It's been two minutes, and it feels like he's still singing the first verse. There's slow, and then there's just plain hohum. People are examining cuticles and fixing wedgies. If only I weren't this tired I would have gotten up and fixed mine.
Fortunately for OJ , his song finishes really well. So people, please vote for the last 30 seconds of OJ's performance. Dial now! Ryan then shows up to interview OJ and his family. His sister blabbers about how OJ is their Star in a Million, and then out of the blue she's saying something about God's will. Hey! Don't blame God for OJ's bad song selection.
After a flood of advertisements (I really hate that Zest guy - it looks like his eyes are about to pop) Nyko gets to perform, and she's trying to pull-off an Alicia Keys, complete with a grand baby piano. It feels wrong saying Alicia Keys with 'an' preceding it. Can I say pulling an Alicia Key? Anyway, the performance starts really well, with Nyko playing the piano with a really long phlematic green gown. And then suddenly she stands up, and the rest of her gown gets separated from her body, leaving her with a really short skirt with pants worn under it. Hey, Nyko. Camile Velasco just called, and she wants her Elton John Week outfit back.
Frenchie is up next. Ryan informs up that she'll be singing Raindrops Will Fall. I am starting to hate Ryan Agoncillo for trying to imitate Ryan Seacrest. Well, yeah, identical first names, but that's the extent of it.Frenchie comes out in a pink dress, with some sort of dark orange cloth around her. She chose the right song, for giving justice to a Tamyra Gray song would be a lot easier than pulling a Mariah or Whitney. I think she nailed it.
More advertisements came after that, and then the finalists get to sing with last year's grand finalists: Eric Santos, Sheryn Regis and Marinela Something. It's refreshing to hear a guy other than Eric Santos sing 'This Is The Moment' without juggling the vowels in the chorus. Apparently, after singing the song over and over is his one year reign as the Star In A Million Champion, it still didn't occur to him that he kept on singing the song as 'thesz esz the mowment'. Go buy his album, you'll understand what I'm saying.
After a while, the unveiling finally comes. But first, we get to see the three other finalists that were eliminated earlier: the whistler, the rock-star-turned-pop-diva, and that other guy I cannot remember the name - or the performance either. OJ was named Texter's Choice, and eventually the second runner up. The girls were left at the center of the stage crying and pushing each other. Eventually, after a litany of mumbling from Edu Manzano, Frenchie was crowned champion, and last year's queen surrendered his crown and left the stage to go cry inside his gay closet.
And of course, the show would not end without the fat lady singing. And that (coincidentally) would be Frenchie. She starts singing the Tamyra song when the multicolored star confetti starts falling all over the stage. Oh, I see. Frenchie Dy's version is entitled 'Confetti Will Fall'. The props department probably went overboard with the confetti idea that most of it fell on frenchie's face and boobies area. Several minutes later, her hair resembled a Christmas Tree. Poor Frenchie, her first few minutes of stardom and people are already pointing and laughing at her.
Oh well. It's high time for ABS-CBN to dump all their writers and start hiring new ones.
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