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Fear of Mondays
12.01.2005
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It has been a while since my last depression attack. Weeks before, it kicks in randomly, but usually when I'm alone. But now it evolved into having the need for a stimulus to trigger it, which in today's case, my presence near SM Megamall's moviehouse.
This was a bit bad, I was with Athen and Eric, which I am really growing very fond of. They were inviting me to watch The Exorcism of Emily Rose, but I declined. I knew I just had to get out of there. It was probably the possibility of seeing Mico with another guy inside the theater. Or the fairytale romance that was happening right before my very eyes.
And so I found myself walking alone along the streets of Ortigas, admiring the bright lights hanging from trees and street posts. These, ironically, are reminders of an upcoming festive holiday, ideally not a good time to fly solo. I know I already said I'll try to stop thinking, obsessing about what really happened between Mico and I. But it turns out that it's not that easy to get it out of your system. You'll eventually have to keep asking yourself the questions, even if you know you don't actually have the answers. What is it that I don't have? Or what did I do wrong? Why did it not work out? It's not like I didn't try hard enough, because for all I know, I've given everything just to make it work. Somehow it just wasn't enough for him, I guess.
The other night, I was watching Serendipity. Even though John Cusack already had that model girl for his fiancee, he still went after Kate Beckinsale, because apparently she is the first Godfather movie. Ideally, I am Kate Beckinsale. Well, not exactly her. I mean, I should be the first Godfather movie. I should be the person to be sought after, and not the one guys leave for a better one.
But come to think of it. What if I am really just that? I mean, this is the fourth time. What if the way people see me isn't exactly the way I see myself? What if people's impression of me is just someone who can do for now. Someone temporary, until a better one comes along.
It's a very, very sad thought. I've never been a fan of Mondays, when everything gets back to the way it was. When suddenly, the magic of the past weekend is just a distant memory. Suddenly, you wake up with the painful reality that it's basically just you again against the world.
I am frozen right now.
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Okay. That's it! I just read my last five posts, and sickeningly they were all about Mico. I'm going to stop writing about Mico. He's not worth all the mental energy.
Well, except if he decides to go back to me. Yeah. For I'll be full of words describing his face while I tell him to fuck off.
That's a nice little scenario.
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