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Until The Fat Lady Sings
8.21.2004
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Tonight, I get to review a really suck-o American Idol rip-off. Welcome to Star In A Million: The Grand Showdown. It, of course, starts with some clips of the contestants and their family, with voice overs of how they wanted to be a star, yadda yadda. Typical.
The opening number was respectable, with Ryan Cayabyab on the piano. I mean, with Ryan Cayabyab on board, what could go wrong? Oh wait, yes. OJ's wearing a funny sash. A funny sash is like a misspelled tattoo: it's something to regret for the rest of his life.
The funny, funny sash was not the end of it. OJ 'The Versatile Crooner' is performing first. It's been two minutes, and it feels like he's still singing the first verse. There's slow, and then there's just plain hohum. People are examining cuticles and fixing wedgies. If only I weren't this tired I would have gotten up and fixed mine.
Fortunately for OJ , his song finishes really well. So people, please vote for the last 30 seconds of OJ's performance. Dial now! Ryan then shows up to interview OJ and his family. His sister blabbers about how OJ is their Star in a Million, and then out of the blue she's saying something about God's will. Hey! Don't blame God for OJ's bad song selection.
After a flood of advertisements (I really hate that Zest guy - it looks like his eyes are about to pop) Nyko gets to perform, and she's trying to pull-off an Alicia Keys, complete with a grand baby piano. It feels wrong saying Alicia Keys with 'an' preceding it. Can I say pulling an Alicia Key? Anyway, the performance starts really well, with Nyko playing the piano with a really long phlematic green gown. And then suddenly she stands up, and the rest of her gown gets separated from her body, leaving her with a really short skirt with pants worn under it. Hey, Nyko. Camile Velasco just called, and she wants her Elton John Week outfit back.
Frenchie is up next. Ryan informs up that she'll be singing Raindrops Will Fall. I am starting to hate Ryan Agoncillo for trying to imitate Ryan Seacrest. Well, yeah, identical first names, but that's the extent of it.Frenchie comes out in a pink dress, with some sort of dark orange cloth around her. She chose the right song, for giving justice to a Tamyra Gray song would be a lot easier than pulling a Mariah or Whitney. I think she nailed it.
More advertisements came after that, and then the finalists get to sing with last year's grand finalists: Eric Santos, Sheryn Regis and Marinela Something. It's refreshing to hear a guy other than Eric Santos sing 'This Is The Moment' without juggling the vowels in the chorus. Apparently, after singing the song over and over is his one year reign as the Star In A Million Champion, it still didn't occur to him that he kept on singing the song as 'thesz esz the mowment'. Go buy his album, you'll understand what I'm saying.
After a while, the unveiling finally comes. But first, we get to see the three other finalists that were eliminated earlier: the whistler, the rock-star-turned-pop-diva, and that other guy I cannot remember the name - or the performance either. OJ was named Texter's Choice, and eventually the second runner up. The girls were left at the center of the stage crying and pushing each other. Eventually, after a litany of mumbling from Edu Manzano, Frenchie was crowned champion, and last year's queen surrendered his crown and left the stage to go cry inside his gay closet.
And of course, the show would not end without the fat lady singing. And that (coincidentally) would be Frenchie. She starts singing the Tamyra song when the multicolored star confetti starts falling all over the stage. Oh, I see. Frenchie Dy's version is entitled 'Confetti Will Fall'. The props department probably went overboard with the confetti idea that most of it fell on frenchie's face and boobies area. Several minutes later, her hair resembled a Christmas Tree. Poor Frenchie, her first few minutes of stardom and people are already pointing and laughing at her.
Oh well. It's high time for ABS-CBN to dump all their writers and start hiring new ones.
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